Sex and Intimacy After Having Kids
Everything changes when you become a parent. Suddenly your whole entire life revolves around a new little person, and there is so much joy in watching them grow and develop. However, as any veteran parent will tell you, there are drawbacks as well. One of those drawbacks often comes in the form of dramatic changes in how you and your partner experience intimacy together.
Between physical and hormonal changes after the birth of a child and changes in your schedule, energy levels, and relationship as your child grows up, having a fulfilling sex life with your partner can become a challenge. This can put a lot of strain on your relationship and your own personal happiness, but it doesn’t need to be this way! Your sex life can survive parenthood if you are willing to make changes in your approach to intimacy and work together to continue to make it a priority in your lives. The first step is knowing what to expect and creating a plan for how to change things going forward, so here’s what you need to know!
What Changes?
Hormones and Physical Changes
This is very important particularly for anyone who has just given birth, but a parent who did not give birth also experiences a rush of new hormones as they bond with their baby! The human body is biologically hardwired to care for newborns, and during the early stages when you’re adjusting to the new baby and your body might still be healing from delivery, it’s very normal for one or both partners to have a low interest in sex, and it’s important to set your own timeline and get back into things when both partners feel ready.
Time
If you don’t know it yet, you certainly will soon– kids are a lot of work, and time you once had available to spend with your partner will now be dedicated to them. This change in your schedule can lead to the simple logistical problem of having less time for intimacy, and finding a moment to spend with your partner can become a lot more difficult than it ever was before.
Environment
Where sex and intimacy were likely once spontaneous and easy in your life, you now have to worry about upset kids who want to sleep in your bed, toys on the sofa, dishes in the sink, and many other distractions and stressors in your physical environment that are competing for your attention, making it hard to find a time and place to engage with each other.
What to Do?
Have a Conversation
If you and your partner are going to get through this together, it’s crucial that you prioritize open and honest communication around your sex life. Sit down together and talk about what you’re feeling comfortable with, what your needs are, and where your head is at. Many parents who aren’t the primary caregiver can feel neglected by their partner, and many parents who are the primary caregiver can struggle with low libido as their entire life and body becomes dedicated to taking care of kids. Being honest about these feelings with each other will help you to grow understanding for yourself and your partner.
Make Plans
Just like you schedule doctor’s appointments and errands, you can and should schedule sex. Feeling like you’ve lost the spontaneity of your previous sex life can be difficult, but it’s worth it to maintain intimacy with your partner. Additionally, adjusting your mindset to view the entire day as foreplay and an opportunity to tease each other and get in the mood can help make things even more exciting!
Spend Time Together
One of the best ways to enhance intimacy with your partner is to spend time together without having sex at all. Making sure you find time for the physical is important, but it’s also important to just have and enjoy simple moments together, like some time spent cuddling after your children go to bed, a night out while the kids stay home with a babysitter, or a quick, fun conversation in the morning together before the day begins. Prioritizing nonsexual intimacy can make a big difference in your relationship.
While maintaining a healthy romantic and sexual relationship with your partner after you both become parents does take work, forethought, and cooperation, it is possible, and you’ll both be happier for it in the years to come! If you’re interested in learning more about reproductive health and wellness and hormonal imbalances, check out our blog here at Renewed Vitality!
Any parent will tell you that having children changes their lives, and their relationship, forever. Between running them to sports and activities, helping them with schoolwork, and ensuring they’re cared for, parents may long for the days when their home is once again quiet and they can spend their time alone together fulfilling their dreams. However, when the day actually comes and the kids are all moved out, the parents’ emotions are not always as they expected.
After the hectic years of raising kids and putting them as top priority, couples may find themselves with empty nest syndrome and struggle to reconnect with one another again. To many, a child-free home may feel lonely and conversations may seem difficult when they don’t revolve around the children’s’ daily schedules anymore. Luckily, there are tips that may help marriages struggling from empty nest syndrome to grow strong again.
Improve Communication
One of the most difficult aspects for empty nesters is learning how to communicate with one another again. Seeing a counselor, joining a support group, or attending a marriage workshop can help greatly in this area.
A therapist and support group can offer advice for this next chapter in life, provide tools for working on your marriage outside of the counseling session, and validate the range of emotions being felt. It is also a safe space to express your feelings and work through them together with a professional. Minds can’t be read so open and honest communication is the only key to a successful marriage. You may learn something new about how your spouse is feeling or see a new perspective on the matter. You’ll be reigniting your spark in no time!
Plan Intentional Dates
Date nights may have been put off during the busy child-rearing years, but now is the time to be intentional about spending quality time with one another. Plan romantic date nights regularly or be spontaneous and embark on trips to places you’ve always wanted to see. Keep it exciting by always planning something new. Try out a popular restaurant, see a new movie, or go wine tasting – the possibilities are endless!
You’re no longer responsible for taking care of young children and it’s time to create cherished memories to share just with your spouse. Enjoy your new found freedom and celebrate the amazing family you have raised together!
Practice a Shared Hobby
Parents who are having trouble adjusting to all of the time they have on their hands now that they live in an empty house may benefit from picking up a new hobby to participate in with one another. This will create bonding time and a new topic to talk about that doesn’t involve the children.
Whether you’ve always wanted to learn how to play chess, you have a passion for golf, or crafting is calling your name, choose a hobby to enjoy together.
Connect with Other Parents
There are many ways to connect with other parents struggling with similar emotions from being empty nesters. As mentioned above, joining a support group or club for your hobby will both provide ample opportunities to meet and connect with other couples. Building new friendships or nurturing past ones that may have been neglected due to parenting responsibilities, will help you stay busy and socialized.
It’s important to remember that just because your children are moved out and on their own, it doesn’t mean that you no longer have purpose as a parent. This is an exciting chapter to reconnect with your spouse and build the love for one another even stronger. You children still need you and one day your home may be filled again with grandkids so enjoy the quiet while you have it!
Life is filled with many joys, but perhaps the best of all is being a grandparent. It can be hard to watch the children that you have raised for the past 18 years leave home to start a life of their own, but in a few years when that “empty nest” feeling is replaced with grandchildren and you see your own children start a family of theirs, the rewarding feeling is like none other.
It’s hard to limit the perks of being a grandparent to only 5 reasons, and there really aren’t any negatives to the title, but read below to find out some of our favorite parts about the job.
1. Learning About Your Grandchildren
Each grandchild is different and precious in their own way and learning about what makes them “them” is fun and special. Whether it’s learning about their personality while baking together, kicking a soccer ball in the backyard, or reading a bedtime story, over the years you will experience their personality begin to shine. Planning bonding activities to do with your grandchildren will help keep you young at heart and allow you to reminisce on the similar plans you did with your own children when they were that age!
2. Reexperiencing Those Firsts
Surely, you can’t remember everything about your children when they were young and growing up, but those special first moments that happened in your life will stand out to you. Now you can experience them all over again with your grandchildren. Your child’s first — breath, smile, step, word, birthday, day of school, time behind the wheel, prom, date, graduation, and surely much more — filled you with an overwhelming sense of pride and love. You will experience those same feelings again watching your grandchildren grow up and have their own first milestones.
3. Watching Your Children Experience The Joys of Parenthood
While raising children of your own, the days may have seemed to go slow, but the years have gone by fast and being a parent can prove to be a hard feat with challenges of its own. But watching your children experience all of the joys that parenthood brings makes all of those late nights, tears, and argumentative teenage years worth it. The years won’t slow down anymore this time around, but it will prove just as rewarding. Plus, you can spoil your grandchildren during the day but send them home at night without having to live through all of those sleepless nights and tantrums again!
4. Passing Down Family Traditions
Every family has a tradition, heirloom, or story that they pass down their family through the years. Watching that special family treasure, which was once passed to you from your parents and that you shared with your child, get passed down another generation is truly the best feeling in the world.
5. Unconditional Love
The endless supply of hugs. The messy kisses. The sweet and soft “I love yous.” These are the treasured moments that make being a grandparent the absolute best. There is something special about the grandchild and grandparent bond that is irreplaceable. Grandchildren look up to their grandparents and rely on them to provide them with the same unconditional love that they give right back. You may have thought that your heart was filled to capacity with love before, but it grows even bigger each time a new grandchild is brought into your life.
